


and then there's you

by questionableatbest



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: 1. Simon and Kieren are in love and domestic and happy, 2. Amy comes back to life and lives with them and is happy, 3. Jem gets a girlfriend and is happy, The goals of this fic are as follow:
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 06:56:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8318245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/questionableatbest/pseuds/questionableatbest
Summary: The bungalow was different without Simon’s followers crowding it and without Amy dancing around, giving the place life.It was impossible not to notice how empty the place felt, but it wasn’t an empty that Kieren necessarily hated. It didn’t feel like a home, but it did feel safe. It held more good memories than bad ones, and it felt like it was brimming with potential, and the empty space felt a lot like possibility.It felt a lot like Simon, and that was nice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> there's a chance i'm a bit late to the in the flesh party, but i watched it all on sunday and i got bored at work today so
> 
> also the game plan for this fic is to get the angst over with at the beginning and then for all my favourite losers to just get happier as it progresses, so just bare with me during this chapter?

Normal was a relative term in Roarton but soon enough the town reached something that mimicked it.

Maxine Martin left, but the Give Back scheme continued. Gary’s patrol continued, but Jem had nothing to do with it and most of the town looked at it with wary eyes. People with PDS weren’t embraced with open arms, but they weren’t publicly shamed either. Wearing cover up was encouraged, but it wasn’t an enforced practice and most of the undead went without it.

Kieren went without it, but some days it still hurt him to.

Some days he shied away from mirrors and some days he didn’t look in them at all and some days he eyed his almost forgotten cover up and contacts with longing and he considered using them one last time and, on those days, he thought of Amy.

He heard her saying, _ ‘Kieren Walker you’re morgeous,’  _ and he heard her saying,  _ ‘What are you covering up for anyways, Kieren Walker?’ _ and he heard her saying,  _ ‘I’m going for a natural look myself,’ _ and after that he never could bring himself to use the makeup. He wasn’t sure if it was out of guilt or out of respect and he wasn’t sure if it mattered, but those days were always the hardest.

On those days, he trudged through whatever Give Back work he was doing, and he spat out his  _ ‘I won’t go rabid and kill you,’  _ spiel whenever he had to, and he took no pleasure in his existence at all.

On those days, memories of Rick made it hard to look Simon in the eye, but he did anyways.

On those days, he went to the bungalow instead of his home and on those days, he didn’t have much to say and he never really wanted to do anything at all and on those days, the entire world seemed like too much.

Still, time went on and he went on with it, and those days became few and far between.

When Simon told Kieren about his theory, he didn’t know what to say and, when Simon told him about what he’d almost done, Kieren didn’t talk to him for a week.

“You were the first to rise,” was one thing, but, “Your death would have brought upon the second rising,” was another entirely, and it made Kieren feel cold.

When he told Jem that much, she pointed out that being cold was a side effect of being dead, but then she put a movie on and held his hand throughout it.

After the credits rolled, she pressed a kiss to his forehead and said, “He saved you, Kier. All he cared about was the Prophet and the second rising and if he’d let you die, everything he wanted would have happened, but he didn’t. He saved you, and then he stuck around,” and it wasn’t anything that Kieren hadn’t already thought.

He pursed his lips and he smiled a tiny bit and all at once he realized how tired he was, and when he said, “Yeah, I know,” the words were barely a whisper but it didn’t matter, because Jem was already upstairs getting ready for bed, and Kieren was alone on the couch.

The next day they had to sit through a reintegration seminar, and Kieren sat beside Simon. He looked straight ahead the entire time and his posture was stiff and he tried to keep his expression blank, though he also didn’t pay attention to anything being said.

When the session ended and they were dismissed for the day, Kieren fell into step beside Simon and asked, “Can I come with?” staring at the ground in front of him, though he could still feel Simon’s gaze on him, as piercing as ever.

Eventually Simon said, “I’d like that,” in a voice that was soft and a little bit lost, and Kieren still didn’t look at him. He just nodded and bit his bottom lip and kept walking a few steps ahead of Simon, and it didn’t feel right but it felt like they were getting there.

The bungalow was different without Simon’s followers crowding it and without Amy dancing around, giving the place life.

It was impossible not to notice how empty the place felt, but it wasn’t an empty that Kieren necessarily hated. It didn’t feel like a home, but it did feel safe. It held more good memories than bad ones, and it felt like it was brimming with potential, and the empty space felt a lot like possibility.

It felt a lot like Simon, and that was nice.

When they got there, Kieren stepped aside to let Simon unlock the door, and then he watched him brush off his shoes on the welcome mat and head towards the kitchen. Kieren followed a few moments later, and wasn’t surprised to find Simon leaning against the counter with his arms crossed, looking out the window.

Kieren leaned against the doorframe, keeping his distance but using the opportunity to take in Simon and, in doing so, he realized how much he’d missed him. He realized how much he cared about him and he realized how badly he wanted to close the distance between them, but he wasn’t going to do that because nothing good would come from it.

First, they were going to talk.

Apparently Simon was thinking the same thing because he beat Kieren to it when he let out a breath that he could have held forever and turned around, crossing his arms over his chest and curling in on himself and altogether looking exhausted. He looked raw and open and he looked like he was bracing himself for the worst but he spoke anyways and all he said was, “Kier,” before Kieren cut in with-

“Are you really done with them?” because that was really all he needed to know, even if he wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be.

Simon looked like he was considering his answer as well, but he looked like he meant it when he said, “I’m a traitor now. They don’t want me,” and he sounded like the words hurt but he also sounded sure of them.

“How do you feel about that?” Kieren prompted and, somewhere in the back of his mind it registered that he was trying to make sure that Simon wouldn’t try to kill him again, and he did his best to ignore the absurdity of it all.

This time Simon didn’t pause at all before he said, “Like I’d do it again in a second if I had to,” and it was easy to believe him. It was easy to look at him and want the words to be true, and it was easy to see why so many people and followed behind him and listened to him speak like he was some sort of god, and it would be easy to forgive him, but Kieren held himself back.

“And all the first risen stuff you’ve been preaching…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Simon said, and then he moved closer but he stopped just shy of being invasive. His hand twitched by his side and there was something desperate in his eyes, but Kieren kept his arms crossed and his hands balled into fists and he forced himself to hold still, and Simon went on. “Kier, it’s like I said, alright? There’s what I believe, and then there’s you. It was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.”

“And if I wasn’t the first risen?” Kieren asked, because that was something that had crossed his mind as well- the possibility that Simon was only interested in him because of what he was, rather than who he was. When he’d first thought it, it hadn’t been that much of a stretch but now, looking at Simon while he processed the question and then start to laugh, and that-

That didn’t make any sense at all, and Kieren felt his eyebrows pull together in confusion, even as Simon shook his head and tried to fight away a smile but didn’t quite manage it.

A part of Kieren wanted to watch Simon laugh forever, but an even larger part of him wanted answers, so the word, “What?” fell of his tongue in an easy demand, though it didn’t seem to sway Simon.

Instead, he took another step forward and they weren’t quite touching anywhere but it was a near thing, and Simon was still smiling when he said, “If you weren’t the first risen, this would be a hell of a lot easier,” and Kieren’s forehead wrinkled even more and he was ready to defend himself, when Simon went on with, “But I reckon my feelings would still be the same,” and, well.

Bodily functions weren’t necessary when you were undead, but Kieren swallowed anyways. He was tempted to lean in and kiss Simon, and he was tempted to hug him and never let go, but all he really did was ask, “Your feelings?” and then Simon laughed again.

“Christ, Kier,” he said, more a whisper than anything, “You’ve got to know how I feel by now.”

Kieren was really, really aiming for an expression that was unwavering, but he also felt his eyes widen a tiny bit and he pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and he was at it again with the damn unnecessary swallowing, but he didn’t say anything and Simon went on.

“I- you’re amazing, Kier. You’re- god, you’re the best person I’ve ever known, easily. First risen or not, you’re special, and you’re brilliant, and I- Kier, you know how I feel about you because I think you feel the same about me.”

Kieren looked at Simon then, even though the intensity in his gaze almost hurt. The words hit him and went through him and made him feel something that he wasn’t sure he was ready for, and it was terrifying.

It was also his turn to say something and he didn’t know what to go with and he realized a moment too late that a joke probably wasn’t a good idea, but by then he’d already said, “So you won’t be sacrificing me to any more cults, then?” and Simon’s face was falling.

He closed his eyes and he tilted his head back and he didn’t move away but he looked close to it, and he looked like he was trying not to crumble and Kieren wanted to help him with that even if he didn’t quite know how he felt, so he reached out a hand and it found its way to Simon’s elbow. Simon opened his eyes at the touch but Kieren didn’t let go, and then Simon nodded.

“I will not be sacrificing you to any more cults,” he said, and the joke was gone completely but Kieren was ready to smile anyways, before he was cut off by Simon’s hand cupping his face, and then Simon’s lips pressing against his.

It was firm and comforting and chaste and real, and Simon held himself there for several moments, and Kieren never wanted to move again. He was happy there, kissing Simon, so he moved his other hand up to grab onto Simon’s collar, and it felt like they were locked in place and it felt perfect.

When Simon pulled back he didn’t go far, opting to lean his forehead against Kieren’s.

Kieren’s breathing was coming out hard, brushing Simon’s face, until he remembered that he didn’t actually have to breathe at all, and then he was laughing again. Simon smiled and then he shook his head and then he was laughing as well, sounding lighter and a tiny bit amazed, before he pulled Kieren closer, this time into a hug.


	2. Chapter 2

For Kieren and Simon, life got back to normal after that.

They started their days at the community centre, and they carried out their assignments for the Give Back scheme, and they spent most of their evenings at the bungalow, co-existing in a way that seemed ridiculously natural.

Sometimes Kieren brought a sketchbook and sometimes he brought his paints and most of the time he ended up drawing Simon, while Simon read a book or flicked through the newspaper or watched TV, and pretended to be oblivious to the whole thing. Sometimes they watched a movie and sometimes they just spent hours talking and sometimes they spent hours pressed together, making out like they had all the time in the world just to memorize each other’s touch.

Kieren almost always went home at night and he made a point of being home for dinner at least once a week because his parents appreciated the effort but, other than that, he really was spending most of his time with Simon.

Because of that, when Jem caught him coming in one night and asked, “You and the disciple are dating then, right?” he blinked.

“He’s an ex-disciple,” was the first thing that Kieren managed to say, and then he thought about it for a moment before he shrugged and added, “And yeah? I suppose?” and he was expecting a snarky comment from Jem, so he was surprised when she just looked curious.

“Is that- is it much like dating when you were alive?” she asked, and Kieren didn’t really know what to say to that, so he ended up shrugging again.

“More or less?” he tried, because there were definitely some things that were different, but he really didn’t want to get into those with his baby sister. Still, she didn’t look sold on the whole thing, so he tried again with, “I mean, I didn’t do much dating back when I was alive, so.”

Jem nodded, and Kieren was grateful that she didn’t bring up Rick. Instead, she looked at him thoughtfully, like she wasn’t actually looking at him at all, and then asked, “Your friend Amy- she and Phillip were a thing, yeah?” and most of Kieren’s gratitude fell away.

He and Simon talked about Amy, but the topic was off limits for everybody else. His mom had hugged him a lot in the weeks following the funeral, and his dad had taken to recommending comedies instead of dramas, and Jem had gotten a lot more cuddly, but they all drew the line at actually talking about her and her death. A part of Kieren was pretty sure it was because of what happened the last time his closest friend had died, but he really didn’t like thinking about that.

Even now it didn’t really feel like Jem wanted to talk about Amy- it seemed like Jem was using her to get at something else and when Kieren realized what that something else might be, his eyes widened a tiny bit but he did his best to cover it up.

“She- um- I’m not too sure, but I think so?” he said, because that much was true. Him and Amy had never actually talked about Phillip, because Kieren had been caught up in Simon, and then in the problems with his family, and then everything else had happened and, well.

It was a conversation he’d never got to have with her, and he was pretty sure he’d regret that forever.

He also really didn’t want to dwell on that, because he knew that dwelling never lead to anything good, so he cleared his throat after a slightly awkward silence and asked, “Is there a reason you’re asking?” and Jem sat up straight immediately.

“I’m just curious, is all,” she said, defensive, and then she was standing and pushing past Kieren and heading for her room, and that was that and, altogether, it was typical for Jem.

They were close when they were younger and they were getting back to that now, but it was slow goings and they still had a lot to make up for. Kieren had a lot to make up for, and he knew that, and he was content with the conversation they’d just had.

Still, the conversation stuck with him and it kept coming back to him and he realized a few days later that it was because he didn’t actually know what him and Simon were doing. They were definitely seeing each other in the most literal sense of the term, but Kieren had no idea if they were dating, or if they were together, or if those were even things that Simon wanted, and it struck him as odd.

It was also something that he could remedy easily enough, so he did.

They were at the bungalow one evening, watching a movie off of the list Kieren’s dad had made, when Kieren realized that he wasn’t actually paying attention to the film. Instead, he was tracing designs over one of Simon’s hands, while his mind raced through a million thoughts a minute, until he finally got tired of it and turned around so that he was sitting sideways, facing Simon.

When he realized that Simon had fallen asleep he sighed, and then poked him. Simon’s eyes flew open right away, and he looked panicked for half a second before his eyes landed on Kieren’s, and he smiled.

“Alright, love?” he asked, and if Kieren were alive he would have shivered at the rasp in his voice but, as it was, he just leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to Simon’s lips.

When he pulled back, he studied Simon for half a second longer before he asked, “Are we dating?” and it was only when he actually got the question out that he realized how juvenile it sounded, but it was too late to take it back so he didn’t bother cringing.

For his part, Simon’s eyebrows pulled together and then they raised slightly and his entire face was a question, until it smoothed over and he said, “We can be whatever you want us to be,” at which point Kieren was the one who was raising his eyebrows.

“That’s the corniest thing you’ve said yet,” Kieren said, dry, and then, slightly more nervous, “And besides, I want to know what you want.”

Simon was leaning back against the arm rest and Kieren was curled up, half beside him and half on top of him, but Simon moved to sit up then. It brought their faces closer together and it meant that Kieren was staring at Simon’s mouth, as his lips curled up in a smile and a small laugh escaped them.

“Honestly, Kier,” he said, and that got Kieren looking in his eyes again, “I’m happy with whatever you’re willing to give me here.”

It sounded nice, and it sounded honest, and it sounded real, but it was nowhere near an actual answer, and Kieren had never been one to settle for Simon’s romanticisms, so he pressed on with, “And if I wanted us to be dating?”

“Then I’d say that we already are,” Simon said seamlessly, and then he added, “Kieren, do I seem like the type of person who gets hung up on labels?” and, well. That was fair.

Simon spent a good amount of his spare time actively rebelling against every establishment in place, and he was always vocal about his hatred of the PDS label, and Kieren didn’t know much about Simon’s relationship history but he did know that Simon’s life before his death had been less than stable, and a lack of relationships in that life wouldn’t really surprise Kieren at all.

Still, lines and rules and labels made sense to Kieren and the helped him make sense of everything else, so he shrugged. “I kind of like them,” he said, and that got another crooked smile from Simon.

“And I kind of like you, so I’m fine with it,” he said, like it was the most simple thing in the world, and Kieren let himself think that maybe it was. “Kieren Walker, I’d be honored to date you.”

Normally when people said his full name, Kieren thought of Amy. She’d always thrown it around easily, like it was normal to address people by their proper name, and like it was natural.

The first time he’d heard ‘Kieren Walker’ after her death, he’d cringed. The second time, he’d deflated because there’d been half a second where he thought it was actually her, and that happened a few times after that as well. It still wasn’t entirely used to hearing the whole thing but he was getting there, so when Simon said it and followed it up with that sentence, Kieren barely flinched at all.

Instead, he told himself that Amy would be happy for them, and then he let himself smile.

“Does that mean we’re actually going to go on dates?” he asked, and it got a snort out of Simon, before he leaned his head back against the arm rest and let out a breath long breath.

“Whatever you want,” he said, and it sounded like a joke but Kieren also knew that they both believed it entirely and, when Simon’s hand found the back of Kieren’s head and pulled him down into a lose embrace, Kieren went easily. Almost as an afterthought, Simon added, “Though where we’re going to go on a date in this town is beyond me,” and that was enough to get Kieren thinking again.

Him and Rick had spent their time at Kieren’s house and at their cave, but they’d never really gone on dates. It hadn’t been an option and, as it was, Rick had never liked talking about what they actually were, or about what they were doing. It was clear enough that he liked it, but he also did everything he could to keep his father off his trail and, well.

It hadn’t worked and he’d left, and nothing had been the same again.

In that moment, all Kieren wanted to know was that Simon wasn’t going to do the same, so he asked. He didn’t lift up his head but he did brace himself for whatever Simon’s response was going to be when he asked, “You’re not going to leave again, are you?” and when Simon froze underneath him, there was half a second where Kieren panicked.

Before he could actually do or say anything to take his question back, Simon’s hand moved from Kieren’s hair and then it was around his back and holding him closer, and Kieren was almost positive that he’d done it subconsciously, but he didn’t really care either way. He shifted his head so that he was looking at Simon’s face, but the angle was awkward and he couldn’t really see anything. He couldn’t read Simon’s face and he couldn’t interpret it or understand it, and when Simon started saying his name, Kieren cut him off almost immediately, with-

“I mean, now I know why you left before and it makes sense logically, but I’d just rather you not disappear again because I mean, I looked for you everywhere, and-”

“And it won’t happen again,” Simon said, firm and soothing and Kieren hadn’t meant to get upset, but he had anyways and he felt ridiculous and a little bit childish, even as Simon tilted his head a tiny bit and caught Kieren’s eye and said, “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Kieren nodded at that, because he wasn’t sure what else there was to do. He wanted to trust Simon and he wanted to believe him and he was sure that Simon believed himself, but it was also one of those things that could only be proven with time.

As members of the undead, it definitely helped that they happened to have quite a bit of time on their hands, and Kieren really didn’t mind spending the majority of it with Simon. It was that thought that had him smiling again, and then he reached up and kissed Simon just for good measure.

When Simon’s hand found the back of his head and held him there, Kieren let himself relax into the kiss, and he let it grow. It was slow and easy and almost lazy, but there was a current of something gentle that ran underneath it and made it feel important. It felt like it was special, and it felt like it was just for them, and Kieren smiled into the kiss when he realized that it was.

They stayed like that for the rest of the evening, and Kieren spent his walk home that night smiling to himself because he had a boyfriend.


	3. Chapter 3

Every once in awhile, Kieren realized how little he actually knew about Simon’s life before his death.

Realistically, it made sense. Simon always asked questions and Kieren always answered them, and Simon had a way of asking questions about things that could get Kieren talking for hours. There were some subjects that Kieren still shied away from but, by and large, he was sure that Simon knew more about him than he knew about Simon.

When he thought about it, he knew that Simon had been an addict, he knew that he’d died of an overdose, he knew that he’d gotten involved in the ULA early on, and he knew that he’d sacrificed all of it to keep Kieren safe, but that was about it.

Of course, he also knew that Simon liked to read, and that he slept on the left side of his bed, and that the left corner of his mouth curled up first when he was trying not to smile. He knew that Simon didn’t look before he crossed the street, and he knew that Simon could quote a poem for every occasion, and he knew that Simon had nightmares more often than not, but Kieren had no idea what they were about.

He assumed they were about the rising- flashbacks, like almost everybody in the world got these days, but he didn’t know for sure, and he wanted to.

Kieren wanted to know everything there was to know about Simon Monroe so, after awhile, he started to ask.

They were at the Walker’s house one night, hiding out in Kieren’s bedroom until dinner was ready, when Simon started flipping through Kieren’s old sketchbooks.

From where Kieren was perched on his bed, he couldn’t actually see Simon’s face, but he could imagine the look on it easily; it’d be the look of awe and reverence that he always gave Kieren, though Kieren knew that the work in that particular book was nowhere near worthy.

“That’ll all be rubbish,” he said, breaking the silence and, when Simon turned his head and raised an eyebrow, Kieren shrugged and added, “It’s from high school- they’re just assignments and stuff.”

Simon turned to face him then, and he held up the picture he’d been studying. “This one’s beautiful,” he said, and Kieren had to smile when he actually saw the picture in question, because it was of Jem. She was younger and chubbier and smiling brighter than Kieren had seen in ages, but he tried not to dwell on that.

Instead, he looked up at Simon and said, “She used to hate it when I drew her- didn’t like any attention at all, really.”

“But you did it anyways?” Simon asked, smiling slightly, and Kieren smiled back.

“Yeah,” he said, with a light laugh, and then, “Sisters, you know?” and then, his eyebrows pulling together as his head tilted to the side, “Or- do you know? Do you have any siblings?” and he couldn’t believe that he’d never asked before, but Simon didn’t seem perturbed.

Instead, he looked back towards the picture and shrugged, saying, “Nah, only child,” and then added, “Wouldn’t have minded a few siblings, though,” and that was something.

It was progress, Kieren thought, because he’d just learned something about Simon, and that’s what he wanted.

Of course, before he could push on and try to learn more, Jem yelled, _“Dinner’s ready,_ ” and then Kieren heard his mother say, “I could have done that myself- I _meant_ for you to go get them,” and then the moment was broken and they were headed downstairs.

The dinner was was uneventfully awkward as it always was when Simon joined them. Sue asked questions about their ‘volunteer’ work, and Steve made bad jokes that everybody pretended to laugh at, and Jem made snide comments that Kieren and Simon really did laugh at, and then it was over and Kieren walked Simon to the door.

When they got there, finally alone, Kieren was quick to kiss Simon, pressing their mouths together and moving closer until Simon was leaning against the door, and Kieren was leaning against him. It was easy and familiar and comforting and they probably stayed there for too long considering that Kieren’s family was still in the house, but it was hard to worry about that when they were so close together, so they didn’t.

Still, Kieren pulled back before things got too heated and, when he did, he was quick to say, “Thank you for tonight,” at which point Simon raised an eyebrow and looked confused.

“Nothing to thank me for, love,” he said, like he always did after they spent time with Kieren’s family, but this time he also added, “I don’t mind it, you know,” and then, looking down for a moment, “Your mum sort of reminds me of mine,” and his voice was gruff and a bit sad when he said that, but he didn’t give Kieren a chance to process it.

Instead, he pulled Kieren closer, pressed a kiss to his forehead, and then he slipped away, saying, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” as he went.

It was the first time he’d brought up his parents in front of Kieren, and Kieren was up all night trying to figure out what it meant.

After that, Kieren started asking Simon more questions.

Some of them were pointless and they got the pointless answers that they deserved, but some of them were bigger.

It was good to know that Simon's favourite color was green, and that he’d played football when he was a kid, and that he was afraid of heights but that he’d still jumped off his high school roof on a dare once. It was good to know that he loved Christmas, and it made sense that he’d had his first drink when he was twelve, but a lot of things that Kieren learned about Simon also hurt.

Simon didn’t talk about his parents again, and the drugs meant that he didn’t remember most of his later years, and Kieren wasn’t sure that he wanted to know about the Prophet and the ULA, but he still tried.

He still did his best to get to know Simon, and Simon humored him the whole time.

Of course, some things were bigger than all of that and, when Kieren stumbled in on Simon changing one day and saw the long, dark scar that ran up his spine, a sinking feeling in his stomach told him that he’d walked in on something bigger.

Kieren’s jaw dropped and his eyes were bulging and he knew he was gaping and it probably wasn’t polite, but he couldn’t snap himself out of it because, really.

The scar left him with a lot of questions, but it also explained a lot.

Simon’s huge sweaters and the layers that he wore underneath them made sense now, and so did the fact that Kieren had never seen him without a shirt on. The fact Simon refused any offers of help with his medication didn’t seem weird at all anymore. Of course, those thoughts also reminded Kieren that Simon didn’t want him to see the scar, but it was too late for that and Kieren still couldn’t bring himself to move, or to turn away, or to say anything.

Because of that, he was still standing there, eyes wide and a million thoughts running through his head, when Simon pulled a shirt on and a sweater over top, and then turned around and froze when he saw Kieren standing there.

It was then that Kieren realized he should probably say something, but all that came out were the words, “Simon, _what happened?”_ and when Simon physically recoiled at the words, he knew it was the wrong thing to say.

Simon’s reply was stilted, and all he said was, “Nothing I want to talk about,” in a voice that was darker than anything Kieren had ever heard, and it just left him with more questions.

When he finally remembered how to use his feet, Kieren closed the distance between them as quickly as he could, noting that Simon didn’t move at all. He still seemed frozen on the spot and frozen in the moment, but he looked like he wanted to disappear and it kept Kieren from reaching out to comfort him.

Instead, Kieren just asked, “Who did that to you?” and he realized that, whoever it was, he hated them with every aspect of his being.

Simon looked at the wall behind Kieren and he looked at the ground between them and he looked up to the sky, like his answers would be written there, until he finally sighed and said, “The same people who saved the world,” and he accented the words with a bitter, mockery of a smile, that made Kieren’s heart ache.

Still, Kieren didn’t actually say anything, because he had no idea what that meant. He searched Simon’s face for an answer, and he replayed the words over in his head, and he tried to fit that piece of the puzzle into everything else he knew about Simon, until it clicked and understanding washed over him like a freezing cold wave, and all he could do was whisper, “The treatment centers?” because, well.

When he thought it over, it made sense.

It made all of the sense in the world, and he hated himself for not realizing is sooner, and he wasn’t even surprised when Simon said, “Somebody had to be their lab rat, I suppose,” but he was appalled.

He was shocked and he was horrified and he finally understood why Simon spoke of the centers with so much hatred, but he didn’t know what to do with any of that, so he just stumbled backwards until he bumped into Simon’s bed, and then he sat down heavily on the mattress.

It felt like the entire world was suffocating him, and he felt powerless against it.

Kieren had never been good at dealing with his feelings. He’d always felt too much or nothing at all and, more often than not, it was too much. His mother had called him too empathetic for his own good, and his guidance counselor had called him emotionally unstable, and Kieren had never really known what to call it, and he also didn’t really think that labels mattered much because, no matter what it was called, it hurt.

He felt peoples pain with everything inside of him, and it was exhausting and inescapable and torturous. It made the world feel cold and dark and harsh and completely inhabitable but, while Kieren had never really learned how to ignore it, he had gotten better at controlling it.

He realized, after he’d been silent for a moment too long, that that’s what he needed to do now because, no matter how badly the story hurt him to hear, it had to be infinitely worse for Simon.

Simon was the one who’d lived it, and Simon was the one who needed comforting, so that’s what Kieren did.

He pushed himself off the bed and he closed the distance between them again, but this time he closed it completely. He pulled Simon into a hug and he held on as tightly as he could and, when Simon returned the embrace, all Kieren said was, “I’m so sorry,” over and over again, until he felt Simon melt.

Kieren didn’t know what else to do or say, because nothing felt substantial enough or big enough.

Still, he remembered the way that Amy had held him when Kieren had shown her his scars and told her how he’d died, and he remembered how comforting it had been. He remembered her sympathy and he remembered her horror but, most of all, he remembered her presence. She had been there, and she’d held him, and she’d been the first to do that. It had helped more than anything else could have, and that’s what Kieren hoped he was doing for Simon.

He wasn’t sure if he was successful and he wasn’t sure if success was even a possibility, but he still tried to pour everything he had into the embrace.

Eventually Simon was the first to pull back, but he didn’t go far.

Instead, he moved one of his hands up to Kieren’s neck and said, “I’m good now, okay?” and Kieren didn’t believe it at all, but he also didn’t think it was his place to argue.

Because of that, he just nodded his head and said, “Okay,” back, and when Simon leaned back in to kiss him, Kieren put everything he was feeling into it.

He put all of his love for Simon into it, because there wasn’t much else for him to do. He’d never been good with words and most forms of communication eluded him and, unless he had a pencil and a sketchpad in front of him, making sense of the world had always been hard, but he could also do it this way.

The kiss was firm but his hands were gentle, and Kieren took his time with it. He wanted Simon to know everything that he felt, and he wanted to know Simon forever, and he still wanted to know everything there was to know about Simon Monroe, no matter how hard the truths were.

He wanted to tell Simon that and he couldn’t find the words, but he was pretty sure that he got his point across anyways, because Simon leaned into the kiss and held on even tighter than before.

After that, they didn’t talk about the scar.

Kieren figured that Simon would bring it up when he was ready, and Simon clearly wasn’t there yet, but he did start getting changed around Kieren, and he didn’t flinch away when Kieren’s hands wandered towards his back and, every once in awhile, SImon would wander around the bungalow without a shirt on, and that, at least, was something.

**Author's Note:**

> if you've read this far let me know what you think?
> 
> the next chapter is probably going to be simon's pov and i don't have much planned for this fic, except for these two losers to be domestic and in love, for amy to come back to life/existence, and for jem to find a girlfriend, so there's that to look forward to?


End file.
